Jug Face (2013)

Jug Face -
I'd watch this over the movie

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

(Hated It) 

Netflix Synopsis: A pregnant teen tries to flee her backwoods community when she learns she's to be sacrificed to a monstrous beast that lives in a pit near her town.

The Peeps: Chad Crawford Kinkle (writer, director); Lauren Ashley Carter, Sean Bridgers

Quick Run Down:  Impotent, Kinda Laughable, Mundane 

Worth the Watch: Not At All

Ada's a young girl in a troubled world.  She's got a man hard for her all the time, a mute grandpa whose brain don't work like the rest, and her momma checks her out each month to make sure she's drippin' like she should be cuz if she ain't it means someone's been fooling 'round in and where they shouldn't've been.  So, what's a girl to do?  Well, she's gonna let that man - boy, really - get up in her so to ease that hurtin' erection and then accidentally get pregnant then try to hide it.  But in Ada's world - a reclusive community in Backwoods, America - you can't just hide things.  That's because there's this Pit, see.  A gaping, ugly omnipotent Pit in the ground with bubbling, brown water in the bottom of It, and It watches over the people in the community and sends out a big, hideous creature to right wrongs when things don't go as It - the Pit - planned.  And there's definitely a plan. The Pit telepathically tells a mentally challenged member of the group who is the next person to be sacrificed to It - It needs sacrifices to stay happy - and the man makes a jug with the person's face on it and whose ever face matches the face on the jug (ah - Jug Face!) gets laid down on a stump and sacrificed like all good Pit loving folks should.  When Ada sees her OWN face on the next jug, though, she hides it so no one will know cuz she don't wanna die. But this pisses the Pit off.  It can't have no foul ups in Its master plan, so It sends a big ugly creature out to bring the wrath upon any victim it can get its dirty hands on!

The Pit - bow down in Gratitude and Terror.

I can usually find something to like in movies, but I came up with pretty much nothing in Jug Face.  It's a pointless, impotent film that makes you question why it was even made.  It's kind of like watching a wet rag hang on the edge of a sink and slowly, slowly slide off. Then fall. That's Jug Face.  There's no tension, no emotion, and no zeal.  It's just a slow series of events that show an unfathomably selfish girl keep ridiculous secrets and continually loop the noose for her own hanging.  There aren't any characters worth talking about, and the villain - a possessed or blessed or something Pit - might be the worst antagonist ever.  It's just a big hole in the ground with water in the bottom, and the creature it supposedly releases you never actually see. It's just portrayed through a moving-through-the-woods-then-spotting-someone POV shot.  Plus, the murders it commits are shot in cheesy, shaky, jaundiced colored segments that come off largely laughable.  Even the one ghost part - some kid that was killed long ago by the Pit and haunts the trees - isn't scary.  It's not even presented as scary; it's there to help. So, thinking about it, there's NOTHING scary in this film.  It's almost like Kinkle (writer, director) forget he was making a horror movie, and maybe he wasn't.  Maybe there's some kind of social commentary going on that I don't realize, but I'm not digging through the Pit muck to find out.  It's not worth it.

Alright - I feel pervy for saying it but Carter gets topless in the first ten minutes.  There.  Turn it off afterwards.

So, if you want to watch a movie that I would compare to watching a porno starring an impotent, 70 year old blind man and a Japanese virgin, I'd recommend Jug Face.  It's not any good, but you be the judge.  It's on Netflix!

This is the... no one cares.

"And I thank the Pit with all my heart for making it so."